SURE, MAYBE WE CAN CLONE sheep, but what about trying to get a young child dressed? For this there should be a Nobel Prize. Take Andrea Hessekiel, of Rye, N.Y., who still remembers every frustrating detail of one particular day three years ago, when her daughter, Kira, was 3. “It was in the morning,” she begins, “and we were trying to get ready for nursery school and she just didn’t want to get dressed.” After basically ignoring her mother’s reasoned arguments, then her coaxing and pleading, Kira “went back to bed, jumped in and pulled the covers up over her head.” Watch out. “I peeled back the covers and whacked her on the bottom a few times,” she recalls. “She was hysterically crying.”
Kira got dressed, but she apparently forgot the point of the spanking–it wasn’t the last time she avoided dressing. But Mom didn’t forget. “I obsessed about it for days,” she says. “I was very upset with myself for losing control. I don’t believe in spanking.”
OK, so Mom strayed from the ’90s parenting manual–what parent hasn’t? The young child, especially from 1 to 3, is a jumbled mass of egocentric, limit-testing, conscience-deprived nerves and cells. Fortunately, they’re cute. But figuring out what proper behavior is-and teaching it, to say nothing of enforcing it–is one of the great questions still plaguing mankind, even after thousands of trendy advice books that tend to contradict each other. Should a 9-month-old be taught not to pull on Daddy’s glasses? Can a 14-month Child really be expected to Share toys? Can a 2-year-old be guided out of temper tantrums’?. In Short, says Victoria Lavigne, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Northwestern University Medical School, “How do you get your child to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it–while still maintaining a positive relationship?”
For children younger than 1, it’s hard to imagine needing to use “discipline” to guide them between right and wrong behavior. When babies pull On telephones or stick their fingers in sockets or other kids’ eyes, they aren’t candidates for the shrink’s couch, They are simply exploring what they find fascinating, essentially their job at that age. The three most important strategies: relocate, relocate, relocate.
As the child grows older, bad behavior often springs out of the stirrings of independence, or a play for attention, or maybe just frustration. Children haven’t yet developed a conscience telling them what’s right and wrong; that begins around the age of 3. Still, by around 18 months to 20 months, children are old enough to be reasoned with, according to Martin Hoffman, a psychology professor at New York University. And they’re just starting to figure out that other family members need to be accommodated. A look at some typical early-childhood behaviors:
Tantrums: Ben Carloni, 2 1/2 knows what he likes and when, and God help those who change it. Explains mother Barb Carloni of Columbus, Ohio: “He has to brush his teeth a certain way. He climbs up into his chair a certain way. He has to help pour the juice and he has to hold the cup.” One time recently Ben thanked his father, Steve, who,instead of responding “You’re welcome,” said, “No, thank you, Ben.” This was enough to propel Ben into a fit. Experts say tantrums are perfectly normal for the child learning to express anger and frustration. Only if the tantrums are more frequent, and continue as the child gets older, will there be a need for more serious intervention. The Carlonis handle Ben much as the experts recommend. They keep their distance but try to talk to him and get him to explain why he’s angry. Sometimes it works; other times nothing does. Lavigne points out that trying to appease the child, by picking her up or giving in to heated demands, will only encourage more of the same behavior.
Sharing: Kids may begin to share things between 2 and 3, but don’t bet on it. And don’t worry about the tugs of war, either. “It is less important than the back- and-forth interaction with other children,” says Dr. Stanley Greenspan, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at George Washington University Medical School and author of “The Growth of the Mind.” “Sharing is one piece of successful learning that occurs because of these interactions.” Patty Gibson Ralph, who lives in Manhattan Beach, Calif., tries sharing and praising her daughter, Jessie, 2 1/2 to mixed results. “She’s kind of obsessed about not sharing,” her mother reports.
Hitting: A child’s striking out is not acceptable after a year, but “don’t blow it out of shape,” argues Greenspan. Sometimes children hit to get control of a situation they don’t like, or they learn it from other kids, which is what happened with 13-month-old Laura Scott, an American living in London. Once, after Laura hit another child, her father, Al, grabbed her arm and gently told her “No, no.” She hasn’t done it again.
Dressing: Jessie Ralph likes to wear her shirt backward, put on clothes that don’t match or put her shoes on the wrong feet. Once she wanted to wear her pajama top to nursery school. This could have the makings of a power struggle, but it shouldn’t. As her mother, Patty, deals with it, “she’s learning how to express herself, and as long as she’s not going to freeze to death I say ‘Fine’.” Greenspan agrees that dressing shouldn’t be a discipline issue.
Eating: In Victorian times children sat still through meals and ate all that was served, or at least that’s the myth. Forget it. A child under 3 who can sit at a table for more than 15 minutes is called a miracle. “The rule is not to have a rule,” says Greenspan. “You want to adapt it to the individual child.” And the constant struggle with children to eat different foods is largely wasted energy. “They have food jags and usually that’s not harmful as long as they’re sleeping and eliminating properly,” says Charles Flatter, professor of human development at the University of Maryland.
As behavioral matters go, those are the easy ones. It’s the high-strung child who understandably challenges the patience of parents, writes Dr. Stanley Turecki in “The Difficult Child.” This is the child with an extremely high activity level, who is impulsive and stubborn. He may be unable to concentrate for even a brief period. Children who exhibit the most extreme of these behaviors might be suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder–or, says Turecki, they might simply be “difficult children with a very high activity level.” But doctors rarely diagnose a child under 3 as having ADD. Beyond those issues are even deeper behavioral problems, according to Greenspan. “The child who does not by any time after 8 months show very purposeful or intentional reaching, smiling or vocalizing. The child who in the second year of life is not showing more gradually complex social problem-solving.” These types of behavior, says Greenspan, can be signs of children who may exhibit, at 3, severe emotional and intellectual difficulties-such as difficulty learning to distinguish reality from fantasy, or appropriate cognitive and language skills. As Greenspan puts it, “These are big-league concerns.”
YOUR KID IS FLINGING food, whacking his sister and screaming endlessly. What do you do? As you carefully consider your range of choices, consider this: how you discipline your child in the early years will go a long way in determining whether your child rams into a nightmare by the time he’s 3. Hit him and he may turn into a noncaring scoundrel. Ignore her and her obnoxious behavior will escalate. Child-rearing techniques can be as varying as fashion. A look at some methods:
For this generation of educated middle-class parents, spanking is as politically incorrect as smoking. “My parents spanked us, but I don’t think it’s a good idea,” says Terry Staudenmaier, the Baltimore mother of 2-year-old Gabe. The NEWSWEEK Poll showed that 81 percent of parents spanked sometimes or often. But experts say parents should avoid the ’ practice. “Spanking and physical force in general accomplish quick compliance but build up resentment, anger, fear of the parent,” says Martin Hoffman, psychology professor at New York University. Studies also show that spanking isn’t especially effective, anyway. Families who start spanking before their children are a year old are as likely to spank their 4-year-olds as often as are families who start spanking later-suggesting the children aren’t learning any lessons.
The “humane” alternative to spanking, the timeout, has gained popularity over the last decade as a quick method to cool off a wayward kid. The NEWSWEEK Poll showed that 71 percent of parents often or sometimes used timeouts. Patty Gibson Ralph uses it on those occasions when her daughter Jessie, 2 1/2 whacks her younger brother, Jack. “I have her sit in a certain place and I have an egg timer and I put that on for one minute,” says Patty. But she finds just the threat of a timeout is even more effective. Most experts advise sparing use of timeouts. And they should always be combined with an explanation of why the behavior is bad. For infants and young toddlers, timeouts shouldn’t be used at all, because those kids don’t understand right from wrong.
In layman’s terms, modeling means that if parents behave appropriately, their kids will notice and learn from it. Teaching a child empathy depends greatly on showing by example. Comforting a child imparts the lesson that the needs of others must be considered.
Immobilization is a controversial technique recommended by
Dr. Burton White, director of the Center for Parent Education in Newton, Mass. It’s aimed at children? to 14 months old who persist in behavior such as hitting. He advises first giving a warning then constraining the child in your lap, facing you, while firmly holding his arms and shoulders. After a minute or so release the child and explain the behavior that was inappropriate. Critics deride this one-size-fits-all approach to discipline, but White insists that a week of using this method will change the behavior.
