Some therapists may describe a green flag as a “green light” instead. [2] X Research source
If you’re struggling with establishing boundaries, clear communication is always the best place to start. Sit your partner down and directly state what you are and aren’t okay with. Try to use I feel statements such as “I feel uncomfortable when…” to make it seem less accusatory. Create reasonable consequences when a boundary is crossed. For example, if someone constantly wastes your time by being late, tell them you’ll spend less time with them if it happens again. Sometimes boundaries get crossed accidentally! Maybe you ate the least bagel or said something you didn’t mean when you were angry. If you cross a boundary by mistake, apologize, clarify, and be more cautious in the future.
An easy way to show your curiosity is by asking clarifying questions after each statement. For example, if someone says “I want to buy a house some day,” ask “what kind of house do you want?” If someone says “I’m hungry,” ask “what would you like to eat?”
Being emotionally articulate takes practice. Two easy methods to start sharpening this skill are taking some time to register how you’re feeling in a situation (Are you breathing fast? That could be a sign of anger or fear. Chest feel heavy? Maybe you’re sad. ) and not judging that feeling once you register it. No emotion is good or bad. All feelings need to be felt.
It’s by no means a bad sign if vulnerability scares either of you. In fact, it’s totally normal! The best way to create a safe environment for vulnerability is with validation. Tell your partner reasons you respect them unconditionally and make it clear you will not judge them. Being vulnerable takes enormous courage. When your partner expresses vulnerability, acknowledge this and commend them for their bravery.
To cultivate more self-awareness in yourself, start asking “what” instead of “why. ” Instead of focusing on why you feel a certain way or you received a certain criticism, focus on what the feeling is or the qualities of the criticism itself.
Signs of active listening are paraphrasing, clarifying your statements (“So what I’m hearing is…” or “Let me make sure I understand…”), and reflecting on them (“It sounds like you’re feeling…”). Not listening doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care. Common key roadblocks to active listening are reassuring, interjecting, and fixing. These are all well-intentioned responses (they want to make you feel better, relate to you in a meaningful way, and/or solve an issue for you), but they don’t grasp the core of what you’re truly trying to say. If your partner does any of these, try telling them “I appreciate you trying to help, but I just need you to listen right now. ”
Accountability also means owning your positive traits and forgiving yourself when you mess up. If your partner takes responsibility but self-flagellates, it prevents their ability to truly learn from their errors and improve.
Not all trust issues are equal. Difficulty trusting people is normal at first, especially if either of you are dealing with a past trauma or trust was a problem in a past relationship. If your partner tells the truth but seems guarded, it may just take some time for them to let their walls down. Be patient and, if necessary, have an open conversation expressing ways they can rely on you.
Empathy can be practiced! The best way to cultivate empathy is to expose yourself to diverse perspectives. Travel to a new place, join a new club, or even read something from an author with a different worldview than yours![15] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Self-criticism isn’t necessarily a red flag, as long as your partner is trying to work on this. Help them seek therapy or a support group. While relationships do entail supporting each other, it’s not your responsibility to make them feel emotionally cared for every time.
